Flavia Strategy: How to be a dick

Sometimes, when you roll into the office, the only thing that will calm your nerves is a good Flavia Breakfast Blend. But what if your office is no longer stocked with Breakfast Blend? Do you move to House Blend? Do you stomp your feet like that little girl who got her bike stolen in the movie Goonies?*

Check out what happened to me this morning:



I thought about throwing a hissy fit, but then I realized that I still had one last cup of greatness staring me right in the face. The result:



Sayonara, Breakfast Blend. I'm not entirely sure how long that particular packet sat there on display, but it sure tasted amazing.



* I tried FOREVER to find video of that girl stomping her feet when Josh Brolin stole her bike in the movie Goonies. So, if you happen to find that clip, please feel free to send us the link.

Flavia Bet: NCAA Tournament - Sweet 16

Breaking news that has prevented me from throwing a Chris Brown-esque temper tantrum: the Flavia machine has been fixed.

This is how I responded upon receiving the news:




In other relevant events, it's looking like yours truly will be the butt end of a Flavia Bet. And yes, the guy who auto-selected his picks is currently in the lead with the potential to rack up the most points.



Happy drinking, everyone.

Flavia Bet: NCAA Tournament - Day 2

After a mildly successful Day 1, a very frustrating Kings game, and a drink-happy St. Patty's Day (I prefer to use Patty's instead of Paddy's, for no apparent reason), this is the last thing you want to see when you roll into work:


NOT COOL, FLAVIA.

Update on our office pool:


Yes, you're reading that correctly. Big Dog, who simply clicked "Auto Select My Picks," is in the lead. I blame you, Penn State.

Flavia Bet: NCAA Tournament - Day 1

Let’s say one of your bosses runs the NCAA bracket tournament every year and one year he fails to pay the winner. Not cool. Let’s say the very next year, the same boss doesn’t volunteer to run the NCAA bracket tournament. Therefore, it’s up to you and your fellow coworkers to work something out.

Normally, not a big deal.

But what if there are some coworkers who are worried about breaking the bank by entering yet another NCAA bracket? What if you’re just tired of playing for money and want to add an element of danger?

Enter the Flavia Bet.

This year, in addition to a very generous $25 pot, the winner will get to dole out a Flavia combo of his choice to the other four participants. Can we say “Espresso Roast with Milky Way topping combined with an Irish Crème”?

Check back for updates to the Office Coffee Romance 2011 office pool. Yours truly is none other than “Flavia Fat Kid In Disguise” while No Peppers is “DEEZ (hazel)NUTS.”

Flavia Bets

They say that one man's trash is another man's treasure, and that is absolutely true when it comes to the world of workplace coffee. If you've taken the time to try the different coffee options offered at your office, you've probably come across some flavors, creamers, or combinations of the two that you think are terrible. While part of our goal here at OCR is to offer you some of our favorite combinations and steer you away from others we dread, we also understand that everyone has different tastes. You might think Hazelnut with Irish Creme is the worst thing in the world but there are others who drink it on a daily basis, like one of my colleagues. Learning what you like is great, but OCR has uncovered a revolutionary new way for you to finally put your knowledge of what your coworkers like and don't like to use…

The FLAVIA BET.

The idea is simple - the loser of the bet must drink an instant coffee selected by the winner. When you win a Flavia bet, you get the pleasure of watching the loser drink something they would never make for themselves. The great thing about making Flavia bets is that the risk to reward ratio is always pretty good. The worst case scenario is you have to drink a cup of coffee that you don't like; big deal. But on the other hand, if you're the winner, you'll be surprised at how enjoyable it is to watch your coworkers cringe as you serve them a cup of something awful.

Flavia bets can really be made about anything. Here are a few examples of the bets that we have made:

-"I bet you a Flavia that both ___________ and _________ will show up for work on Friday even though they talked about taking the day off. If either of them shows up you win." -- I won that one and made the loser drink a Hazelnut with Irish Creme. The picture above is a good reenactment.

-"I bet you a Flavia that _________ will order a double quarter pounder meal at lunch. If he orders anything else on the menu you win." -- I won that one too and made the same person who lost the bet above drink another Hazelnut.

-"I bet you a Flavia that ___________ won't show up for work on the Monday after his Vegas trip." I lost this one and had to drink an Italian Roast with Creamy Topping.

Flavia Bets can be worked in with money bets too. For our office Superbowl Squares pool, the person with the final score square got to pick a Flavia for the person with the square of the opposite final score (i.e. if the opposing teams had each other's scores). The guy who normally drinks the Hazelnut with Irish Crème lost that one and you should've seen his face when he was forced to drink a Sumatra without cream or sugar.

Recommendation: the next time somebody tells you to "put your money where your mouth is", you can tell them "put your mouth where my Flavia is."

(Delayed) Breaking News: Flavia Still Waiting to Accept Starbucks’ Rose

Starbucks announced that it will soon provide its branded “super-premium” coffees for the Keurig instant coffee brewers. Flavia, meanwhile, is waiting for her prom date to arrive.

“Today’s announcement is a win for Starbucks, a win for GMCR and most importantly a win for consumers who want to enjoy Starbucks coffee with the Keurig Single-Cup Brewing system,” said Howard Schultz, president, ceo and chairman, Starbucks Corporation. “Our research shows that more than 80 percent of current Starbucks, customers in the U.S. do not yet own a single-cup brewer and our relationship will enable Starbucks customers to enjoy perfectly brewed Starbucks® coffee at home, one quality cup at a time.”

Full article here.

I wonder if I automatically prefer Keurig’s instant coffee system rather than Flavia’s simply because I’ve been drinking Flavia for almost five years and have only sampled Keurig’s nectar a handful of times. When you’ve been eating Honey Smacks (Editor’s note: it’s the most disgusting “popular” cereal on the market) for 4.5 years, of course you’re going to love Corn Pops, especially if life throws you a bone and you get to eat Corn Pops about once a year.

For all of you with access to Keurig brewers, congratulations. I think a tear just dropped into my House Blend with French Vanilla.

Flavia Special: Dove Hot Chocolate

I used to drink the old Flavia hot chocolate once a day for about the first two years I started working here at the office.


About two years ago, Flavia decided to turn the entire “hot chocolate via an instant coffee machine” market on its head by partnering with Dove. The product of that partnership is a 2/3 cup of excellent hot chocolate from an instant coffee machine and 1/3 cup of sewer residue.

When I think of drinking hot chocolate at the office, two things immediately come to mind:

(1) The scene from Mad Men – Pete Campbell asks his secretary to get him some hot chocolate, she brings it to him, he takes one sip, and then complains that the hot chocolate is made from hot water instead of milk.

(2) This brilliant quote from the book American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis: “On my way out this morning I stopped at the front desk, about to complain to the doorman, when I was confronted with a new doorman, my age but balding and homely and fat. Three glazed jelly doughnuts and two steaming cups of extra-dark hot chocolate lay on the desk in front of him beside a copy of the Post opened to the comics and it struck me that I was infinitely better-looking, more successful and richer than this poor bastard would ever be and so with a passing rush of sympathy I smiled and nodded a curt though not impolite good morning without lodging a complaint.”

The good: This hot chocolate is actually quite rich, which is a pretty amazing feat considering the stuff comes out of an instant coffee machine. The flavor is excellent for about the first 2/3 of the cup.

The bad: My guess is that in order to create the intense darkness and flavor of the hot chocolate, Dove needed to inject small rocks of chocolate (and/or harsh chemicals) into the cup, which find their way into the bottom of your cup. Therefore, the last 1/3 of your chocolate is like drinking chocolate with bits of sand at the bottom.

Seriously, look at it. LOOK AT IT.

In fact, this is so unpleasant that I’ve reverted to simply abusing the hot water spigot and use the office’s powdered hot chocolate mix whenever I feel the need for a very warm and soothing beverage (which usually occurs when the building’s heat is malfunctioning and cold air is blowing during the “winter” here in Los Angeles).

Recommendation: If you like dark, rich hot chocolate and you don’t mind being wasteful after finishing 2/3 of the drink, I highly recommend the Flavia-Dove hot chocolate. In the alternative, I recommend this drink if you like eating granules of chocolate/chemicals with your hot chocolate.

Flavia Combo: Breakfast Blend with French Vanilla

Breakfast blend is one of my morning traditions. It's almost automatic: I arrive at work, put my bag down in my office, go to the lunch room, grab a coffee mug out of the cupboard, and then reach for a breakfast blend. You may notice it is described on the packet as "light roast, mild & refreshing" and I definitely have to agree that it is by far the mildest flavor we have in our arsenal. In fact it's so mild that I typically use only half a creamer pack to go with it at risk of overpowering the coffee taste entirely.

Sometimes mild coffees have a watered down consistency, but that isn't the case with breakfast blend. It still delivers a nice texture even though it doesn't pack a punch. Because it's so light it really will go with any flavor creamer you'd like to put in it and might be in running for the most palatable flavia option to drink without any cream or sugar at all.

One more thing to point out is that breakfast blend has a 2 out of 7 "strength/force" rating from the manufacturer, the lowest out of all the options we have in our office. (Note: we are currently doing research into Flavia's rating system and we will be posting on that soon.)

Given the other options in play in our office and yours, breakfast blend is going to fit the bill for most people and you could certainly do a whole lot worse. It definitely deserves our seal of approval:


Recommendation: Try a breakfast blend with only half the amount of creamer or sweetener you typically use.

Field Trip – Keurig Combo: Newman’s Special Blend with French Vanilla

Office Coffee Romance field trip!

This past weekend I had the pleasure of tasting the instant coffee at my ladyfriend’s office. Check out this fancy machine with its futuristic blue lights. It looks like alien lasers are getting blasted into my paper cup.

The coffee comes in these cupcake stumps and her office has Nestle’s Coffee-mate creamers instead of the International Delight variety at my office. If our faithful readers will recall, one of the nice perks about drinking Flavia every single day is that other types of coffee will taste so much better, even if the other type of coffee is another brand of instant coffee. This Keurig combination is definitely worlds better than what I’ve subjected myself to on a daily basis here in the office.

To start, the coffee is from Paul Newman’s company, Newman’s Own Organics, and therefore it is automatically awesome. People a generation ahead of me will probably conjure up words like “cool” or “suave” or “sexy” whenever they think of Paul Newman. To me, he’s just “awesome” mostly because of his role as Reggie Dunlop in Slap Shot. (Note: Yes, I realize the movie came out in 1977, hence before I was born, but this was my first Paul Newman movie which I watched when I was kid.)

The coffee tastes smooth, there’s no bitter aftertaste, and before I know it my cup is empty – all signs of great instant coffee at the office.

The French vanilla creamer by Coffee-mate is stronger than the International Delight creamer, if that’s any piece of information you think is worth remembering.

My only problem with this coffee is that although the package claims it is “Extra Bold,” there is nothing “bold” about this coffee except for the fact that it claims to be certified organic. The only bold thing about this coffee is that it makes me want to “put on the foil” before going to work.

In tribute of the fact that I continue to refuse to believe that Paul Newman is no longer alive, instead of using our traditional Dos Equis Most Interesting Man logo to indicate good coffee, I’m changing things up a bit today.

Enjoy your coffee.

Flavia Combo: Costa Rica with Half & Half

I’ve been to Costa Rica. I’ve tasted Costa Rican coffee. Costa Rican coffee is a friend of mine. Flavia Combo: Costa Rica with Half & Half, you’re no Costa Rican coffee.

If I was a Tico and this combination of instant coffee was the only thing left on the planet, I’d rather do this instead.

The beauty of Costa Rican coffee is that it’s strong. Very strong. This Flavia coffee is weak at best. Worst of all, it simply tastes like garbage. The smell is atrocious, it looks disgusting, there’s a brutal aftertaste, and the coffee saps your will to enjoy liquid beverages.

Now, I’m not sure if it’s because I lost the “Mini-Moo lottery,” but check out those little white homies floating around in my coffee.

Unfortunately/fortunately, that’s not dandruff. That’s American no-refrigeration ingenuity at its finest. Either I didn’t shake the creamer well enough or I simply picked an old creamer that has seen better days. In any case, it was a lose-lose situation.

If House Blend with Half & Half gets the Dos Equis Interesting Man logo, then it’s time to unveil the exact opposite. I now pronounce the Chris Farley "Logo of Rage," courtesy of this timeless skit from Saturday Night Live.

Enjoy your coffee.

Flavia Combo: House Blend with Half and Half

"I don't always drink Flavia, but when I do, I prefer house blend."


Okay, that first part about not always drinking flavia isn't true. I would say that I've had at least one flavia coffee pretty much every day at work for the past 16 months. The house blend has easily become my "go to" drink but I can't really tell you when or why it became the default choice. For some reason it just seems like the standard flavor while the others are there to provide occasional reprieve.

After being in the house blend routine for a while I eventually noticed how it is described on the packet: "medium roast, rich & fruity". Fruity? I mean, we all know those descriptions are BS, but for a minute that particular adjective became the source of a few jokes along the lines of the old adage "you are what you eat" (or drink in this case). Laugh it up, guys. You're the ones drinking hazelnut/irish cream .

For me, house blend has locked down the title for my preferred drink here in the office. I typically take it with some "half & half". I had to put that in quotes because I still don't understand how an actual dairy product can have that long a shelf life and not require refrigeration. More on that later.

Despite its versatility, there are simply some occasions where house blend will not cut it. This is undoubtedly due to the fact that its strength rating is only 3 out of 7. For those early mornings that follow late nights, or those afternoons that follow a coma-inducing lunch, a 3 is simply not going to get the job done. But hey, nobody's perfect.

Flavia Combo: Ethiopian with Hazelnut

If there’s a Flavia combination that is at the top of my list, Ethiopian blend with hazelnut creamer is not at the top. But, shockingly, it’s near the top.

I was informed by my fellow coworker yesterday that one of the bosses at my workplace enjoys the Ethiopian blend the most. I immediately laughed after hearing this information even though, technically, the boss has probably been drinking Flavia for about a decade longer than I have.

I decided to add hazelnut creamer to this blend since it’s the last of the “Big Three” flavored creamers we have (on a consistent basis – more on this in another post) at our office. At first, the hazelnut creamer completely overruns the aroma that ascends from the coffee, but it gradually dissipates and blends into nothing more than a subtle hint. It becomes an innuendo, if you will, of hazelnut.

The first sip is actually quite pleasant, which is always something nice as I am forced to recall my recent disastrous experience with the Sumatra blend. Expecting the taste to degenerate rapidly, I’m actually shocked that the subtle flavors have maintained so well after the third and fourth sip. What makes this a decent combination is that there isn’t that harsh/chemical aftertaste that usually accompanies these instant coffee blends. I keep waiting for it to appear, but it hasn’t come yet.

Now I’m thinking to myself “I have no idea what actual coffee from Ethiopia tastes like, but this isn’t half as bad as I initially imagined.” Of course, this coffee has done nothing to make me want to travel to Ethiopia to find out, but I don’t really expect that from any coffee I drink.

After finishing half of the coffee, I’m surprised that I haven’t had the urge to vomit or drink toilet water.

For me, the sign of a good instant coffee at the workplace is when I reach down to grab my cup and realize that I’ve got only enough for one last sip – and feel genuinely disappointed that there isn’t any more left. I haven’t quite felt this way with the Ethiopian-hazelnut blend but it’s close. I must admit that this combination will definitely squeeze its way into the weekly rotation – until someone makes fun of me and I backtrack from everything I’ve written just now.

Recommendation: I’d give this one a shot and see if it makes your instant coffee rotation.

Flavia Combo: Sumatra with French Vanilla

Check out that sweet picture. For all you Flavia veterans, you’ll notice our office is still rockin’ Sumatra coffee with the old packets. (See the Hazelnut post below for a picture of the “new” packets – which came out a few years ago.) I’m not entirely sure if Flavia coffee has an expiration date and part of me really doesn’t care. I guess the equivalent is like finding some Halloween candy in your desk . . . from Halloween 2007.

The thing about this Sumatra coffee is that it’s a black hole. Any type of cream you put into the coffee will magically disappear without a trace. Ever make a mistake and put nonfat milk into your coffee and the coffee just sucks it up and color remains the same? That’s exactly what it’s like when adding French Vanilla creamer to Sumatra.

It’s nice when a coffee company informs its consumers of the “strength” of a particular type of coffee. It’s also nice when a coffee company indicates the “force” of a particular coffee, although I’m not really sure how one could possibly judge coffee by “force.” It’s absolutely mind-blowing that Flavia combines the two and informs its consumers of the “Strength/Force” of Sumatra. I’m pretty sure we’re just talking about coffee and not Jean-Claude Van Damme.

I’ve never been to Indonesia, but I’m positive their coffee tastes nothing like Flavia’s Sumatra coffee. Although I’ve never been to India, I’m fairly positive the Indian food I ate for lunch yesterday at least resembles the food they serve in parts of India. I’m 100% certain Indonesians don’t like their coffee to taste like the remains of an ash tray in Paris mixed with hot water, because that’s exactly what the Sumatra with French Vanilla tastes like.

This brings me to my final point. Drinking this Sumatra blend does not excite me to have thoughts about traveling to Indonesia to flavor the local coffee. In fact, drinking this Sumatra blend makes me want to dump the entire contents of my cup into my garbage bin that is lined with a thin plastic bag. Since I have no clue whether there’s a hole in the bottom of that garbage bag, I’m consequently risking the possibility that the cleaning guy will remove the plastic bag during the regular course of business and drip coffee all over my office carpet.

Therefore, this Sumatra blend is so bad that it has actually forced me to drink the rest of it since (1) I’m physically incapacitated to walk over to the office kitchen and dump this coffee into the sink and (2) I don’t want to face the possibility of walking into my office tomorrow morning and seeing coffee stains all over my office floor.

In other words, I’m pretty sure the Flavia scientists are high-fiving themselves right now.

Touché, Flavia.

Recommendation: If you want to face the physical dilemma of begrudgingly finishing your ash-tasting coffee or walking however-many steps you have to walk to dump this coffee into your office kitchen’s sink, then Sumatra with French Vanilla is for you.

Flavia Combo: Hazelnut with Irish Crème

Let me start by saying that I used to drink this combination on a daily basis for about one full year. I believe addicts call this point in their lives “Rock Bottom.”

After brewing this beast and adding the creamer to your cup the first thing you’ll notice is the pungent smell of dirty socks. That’s the Irish Crème working its magic. [Check out that picture - the Irish Crème has already worked itself out of that seal and is intent on destroying everything in its path.]

I’m not even sure why I bother adding Irish Crème, since it really doesn’t matter what flavor of coffee you’re brewing, it’s all going to taste exactly the same – horrendous. When I was hitting rock bottom, I think my reasoning was something along the line of:

“Well, I can’t go with French vanilla creamer since that’s just too weak. And I can’t add hazelnut creamer to a hazelnut coffee since that’ll be overkill. And I refuse to add straight cream to this coffee since there’s an abundance of free flavored creamers right in front of my face. [Editor’s explanation: Would you rather pay full price for a box of Cheerios or half price for a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. I rest my case.] So, let’s give this Irish Crème a whirl.”

Recommendation: This combination is suitable for office workers who believe that smelling something awful while sipping something hot & awful will wake them up in the morning.

Helpful Hint: Have a very large mug of water right next to your coffee since your mouth will be parched after having 2-3 sips. After drinking half of this coffee combination, you’ll have a strong desire to run into your office kitchen, turn on the kitchen faucet, and start gulping down whatever comes out.

Warning: This combination will make you dizzy and you will experience a shortness of breath when you’re about 3/4 of the way finished.

Instant Coffee At The Workplace And What It Means To Spree

Instant coffee is pretty much universally awful. Can't do anything about it. No big deal. The instant coffee at my workplace is basically a tier below instant coffee in general. (Yes, there's a difference.)

Being the eternal optimist, I've forced myself to enjoy the instant coffee at my workplace for two reasons. First, because it's free and I can drink as much as my heart will physically let me. And second, because it makes all other types of coffee taste like a little piece of heaven. The brewed coffee I get at my local donut shop is some of the best coffee I've ever tasted. Drinking my home-brewed Illy coffee is like tasting dew off a rainbow while riding a unicorn.

How is this all remotely possible? Because drinking the instant coffee at my office for the past 4.5 years has completely shredded my coffee taste buds. If coffee doesn't taste like crap and is warm/hot, it's automatically excellent in my view.

But, you may be asking yourself, how can you possibly be a so-called expert on instant coffee? The answer is because I've done nothing but experiment with the various flavors of instant coffee and associated creamers on a daily basis for the past 4.5 years.

This blog is designed to take you on the journey of instant coffee that may or may not be offered at your workplace.